Creative Bamboozling Idea # 47: Whup-Ass Sticks

Bamboo by Tim Lloyd

Enough with all this talk of guns in DC, gun violence, should we have guns, who gets to decide, constitutional rights, blah blah blah. Let’s be realistic. If Wayan wants a gun in his Petworth house so he can protect himself, his Butterbean and all their worldly possessions, it doesn’t really matter what the law says. If he wants it bad enough, he will get it. It’s not hard to do and not terribly expensive either.

Let’s get down to the real deal. What we need is fewer guns and more whup-ass sticks. Here’s where the bamboo really comes in handy. It’s tough, hard, light and really packs a wallop. My brother, an ex-cop, swears by the stopping power of a hickory stick, but I bet a well-swung bamboo rod could place a close second in the competition.

One of the great things about a whup-ass stick is that it has the potential for creating frightening stories of “the guy I tried to rob with a knife who beat me away with a piece of bamboo. That guy is nuts.” Just release that kiai inside of you, swing steadily and don’t stop until your aggressor is overcome. Nobody will screw with you again.

Also, you can’t accidentally discharge a whup-ass stick, it doesn’t need to be stored unloaded and it certainly doesn’t need to be oiled or cleaned too often, except to get rid of bits of blood and hair. Plus, it’s much cheaper than a gun and can be used to distract the panda infestation while you go to the store to get some Have-a-Heart panda traps.

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