Let Mattel’s Limited-Edition Barbie Dolls for the D.C. market be your guide to the best (and worst) areas of D.C. to live in:

Reston Barbie:
This princess Barbie is sold only at The Reston Town Center. She comes with an assortment of Coach Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long haired foreign dog named Honey, and a “cookie cutter” $2,000,000.00 house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with “augmented” version.

Springfield Barbie:
This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

Prince George’s County Barbie:
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Pontiac with dark tinted windows and a crack pipe. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills). If you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.

Great Falls Barbie:
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and Scioto Country Club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private chool Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.

Fredericksburg Barbie:
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD box set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Herndon Barbie:
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription also available.

West Virginia Barbie:
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of another Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid washed jeans, fake fingernails and a see through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

Falls Church Barbie:
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her “Willow.” She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Clintonville Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

SouthEast D.C. Barbie:
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangster Ken and his ’79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Dupont Circle Barbie/Ken:
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple “snap-on” parts.

Arlington Barbie:
This doll comes equipped with happy hour schedule and North Face fleece. Her seemingly Republican day outfit turns into a tight pair of skinny jeans and a slutty top in the evening (but the pearl earrings stay in of course). She comes with an overpriced condo and flashy car that she never drives since the metro is only a block away.

Graduated Frat Boy Ken is sold separately, but comes with a pair of new balance shoes, a hat from the college he graduated from and a polo shirt with a collar you can flip up, or down.

*The author takes no responsibility for any offense taken at the above. This is tongue and cheek, please take it as such.