New to DC?*

Let Mattel’s Limited-Edition Barbie Dolls for the D.C. market be your guide to the best (and worst) areas of D.C. to live in:

Reston Barbie:
This princess Barbie is sold only at The Reston Town Center. She comes with an assortment of Coach Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long haired foreign dog named Honey, and a “cookie cutter” $2,000,000.00 house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with “augmented” version.

Springfield Barbie:
This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

Prince George’s County Barbie:
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Pontiac with dark tinted windows and a crack pipe. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills). If you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.

Great Falls Barbie:
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and Scioto Country Club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private chool Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.

Fredericksburg Barbie:
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD box set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Herndon Barbie:
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription also available.

West Virginia Barbie:
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of another Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid washed jeans, fake fingernails and a see through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

Falls Church Barbie:
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her “Willow.” She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Clintonville Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

SouthEast D.C. Barbie:
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangster Ken and his ’79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Dupont Circle Barbie/Ken:
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple “snap-on” parts.

Arlington Barbie:
This doll comes equipped with happy hour schedule and North Face fleece. Her seemingly Republican day outfit turns into a tight pair of skinny jeans and a slutty top in the evening (but the pearl earrings stay in of course). She comes with an overpriced condo and flashy car that she never drives since the metro is only a block away.

Graduated Frat Boy Ken is sold separately, but comes with a pair of new balance shoes, a hat from the college he graduated from and a polo shirt with a collar you can flip up, or down.

*The author takes no responsibility for any offense taken at the above. This is tongue and cheek, please take it as such.

9 Comments so far

  1. Don (unregistered) on May 5th, 2006 @ 12:14 pm

    These are chronically lacking in accessories. Reston Barbie needs a stash of quarters to tip the mall valet parkers with. Herndon Barbie needs a faded yard sign that says “NO to Immigrant Work Center!” and Falls Church Barbie needs a graffiti-obsessed son she can send over to SE or Dupont Barbie’s neighborhood so he doesn’t fuck up her own hood.

  2. Tom Bridge (unregistered) on May 5th, 2006 @ 12:18 pm

    That’s Great Falls, Don.

    Falls Church needs a Volvo to drive.

  3. Doug (unregistered) on May 5th, 2006 @ 12:38 pm

    Hilarious stuff.

  4. WFY (unregistered) on May 5th, 2006 @ 12:46 pm

    I miss the Volvo cop cars in Falls Church.

  5. Danny (unregistered) on May 5th, 2006 @ 2:55 pm

    Volvo cop cars? Are you serious? Do they still use those?

  6. WFY (unregistered) on May 5th, 2006 @ 3:26 pm

    They did in the 80s, but I think they only did for one generation of the fleet.

  7. Tiff (unregistered) on May 5th, 2006 @ 5:12 pm

    You forgot the Tyson’s Corner Barbie Playset, including Security Clearance Ken with his Beltway Bandit job, and children Chase and Dakota, who Barbie drives to soccer practice and dance class after Montessori school in their BMW X5 SUV.

  8. David (unregistered) on May 5th, 2006 @ 5:41 pm

    You also missed that in the 80’s the Pennsylvania Stae Police used to have VW Rabbits as cop cars too… back when the factory was a little southe-east of Pittsburgh….

    I think we need another one of these lists for other areas of Maryland…hmmm, Baltimore Hon Barbie….

  9. Mik (unregistered) on May 5th, 2006 @ 8:33 pm

    Prince George’s Co. isn’t in Maryland? I know I can take those same “Barbies” and apply them to various places in and around Boston, so I’m sure they can also apply to places in and around Baltimore.

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