Road Rage

As we all know, traffic sucks in DC. A direct result is that we all have those days when we’re stuck in unexplained traffic jams for some ridiculous amount of time. We’re annoyed, because all we want to do is get home, see our families, and have a little dinner, no? As a service to our local community, allow me to present a few of Metroblogging DC’s tips for surviving a traffic-heavy commmute.

– If you happen to be in a heavy traffic jam and happen to tap the rear bumper of the car in front of you, it’s a sign. It means you should try leaving an extra foot or two between your car and that one, because you were clearly following too closely before. It is NOT the signal to crawl even FURTHER up my tailpipe and hit me AGAIN three blocks later, YOU STUPID BITCH.

– If you happen to be the aforementioned driver who hits the same car twice in a three block space due to following TOO DAMN CLOSELY, the polite thing to do is look appropriately contrite, not start gesticulating in your rear view mirror as if it was MY car that REACHED OUT AND GRABBED YOURS, DUMBASS.

– At 19th and E Streets NW, the two right lanes are the only lanes that may turn right onto E street. TWO. Not THREE. If you try to turn right from the second lane to the left, while TALKING ON YOUR CELL PHONE, you are an ASSHOLE, and you deserve not only all the angry honking you get from the cars you’re preventing from continuing through the intersection, but you also totally deserve it when all the drivers who are following the rules refuse to let your dumb ass into the lane in front of them.

– It is the height of inconsideration to block an entire lane of traffic behind you, with plenty of empty, clear lane in front of you, so you can try to force your way into the other lane that’s not moving.

– Bonus Parking Garage Tip, directed at the idiot in the green Jaguar from Annapolis: I know, you got to work late like I did, and you had to park in one of those little half-spaces with the big pillar in one end of it. But that’s no excuse to park so close to my wee little car that I can’t even open the door. I shouldn’t have to crawl into the driver’s seat from the FUCKING PASSENGER DOOR when I am parked fully inside the lines because you park like a retard. Further, I shouldn’t have to do the little wiggly-reverse dance just to avoid taking your mirror off by hitting it with mine. I notice that you left yourself MORE than ample room to get in and out of your car. It is only my respect for the laws of a civil society that prevented me from KEYING THE EVER-LOVING FUCK out of your pretty green paint job. Asshat.

By following these few simple tips, you can greatly improve the quality of your commute. Because I won’t get out of my car and FUCKING BEAT YOUR ASS.

6 Comments so far

  1. Stacey (unregistered) on January 10th, 2006 @ 11:59 pm

    The 19th and E business KILLS me. All I want to do is hop on 66, yet it seems like at least three times a week either a) someone tries to turn right from the THIRD LANE (you are so right) or b) someone in the far right only lane tries to go STRAIGHT when two lanes actaully turn.

    There will be a hundred car pile up at that intersection one of these days.

  2. webjedi (unregistered) on January 11th, 2006 @ 8:46 am

    Really, feel the urge and do it.. key their damn car…

    I have a Mini, and there have been more than enough times were I can get a nice spot only to have an SUV or some other hunk of crap park sooooo close that I’ve had to enter fromt he rear of my car or the passenger side… and this wasn’t only in DC, but in the surrounding environs.

    Folks need to learn to appropriately figure wether or not their expensive bohemoths really can fit into a parking spot (reserved or otherwise) or just move on. I especially love the folks in the extnded body pickup trucks trying to get about in any parking garage, only to park on the ends of the lanes, requring an excessive wide turn just to avoid hitting their bumpers while looking for a place to park.

    Now on to the driving… I think there should be lane separators (little plastic poles) delineating the turn lanes, to keep those blind yahoos from not seemingly realizing that 1) plan your turn a little better and merge back where it was appropriate, and 2) hmmm, is this a turn lane… nope, there’s a PHYSICAL barrier preventing me from turning, guess I have to go around. Unless these people have it physically preventing them from doing something, they’ll keep doing it. (Yes, they are NOT Montgomery Scott from Star Trek).

    Good luck today with the commmute.

  3. Don (unregistered) on January 11th, 2006 @ 10:03 am

    The really laughable thing is that these same clowns who spend far longger looking for a close parking space to cram themselves into rather than just parking and walking… all wonder why that double whip mochachino keeps piling up around their waist.

  4. Stacey (unregistered) on January 11th, 2006 @ 11:47 am

    Well, and even for all of my supportive complaining about parking garages and traffic issues, you will NEVER see me trying to get my big SUV in to a spot it can’t fit in. I don’t want my car damaged and I don’t know why any of the other SUV drivers of world don’t see the same reasoning. I happily know the spots in my garage that can accomodate my car – and I go there.

    Wish others would as well.

  5. Tom Mills (unregistered) on January 11th, 2006 @ 12:06 pm

    Last year, parking at the garage on 13th and G street (across the street from Reeve’s), I witnessed (actually, kind of stared in awe) at a guy trying to get his Ford Excursion into a spot marked “for compact vehicles”. I politely told him that plenty of spots for bigger vehicles were available in the lower levels (I had walked up from the lowest level for “exercise” – it’s all I used to get). I’m surprised he didn’t hit the cars next to him trying to get in…. He never did proceed to the lower levels.

  6. East Coast Girl (unregistered) on January 12th, 2006 @ 1:47 pm

    I frequently drive an extended cab pickup, and (like Stacey) I never try to squeeze into a space I have no business being in. Even if I did make it IN, it would be hell trying to get the eff back OUT again.

    And one thing that also was not mentioned — is how you ruin your nice clean, expensive, work clothes from either grease or rips and tears from getting hung up on the door frame trying to squeeze into your vehicle.


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