Screaming down I-270 ’round noon today, heading into DC, I see one of the big overhead signs blinking a message: REPORT SUSPICIOUS
ACTIVITY – CALL 800 492 TIPS. Looking around, I immediately noticed suspicious activity and whipped out the cell phone. Here’s a transcript of my call:

Dispatcher: Hello, this is the Paranoid Hotline

Me: Hi, I’m on 270 Southbound, near the Beltway turnoff and I’d like to report suspicious activity.

Dispatcher: Yes, please describe what you see.

Me: Well there is an SUV in the far right lane going the speed limit and the driver is not on a cell phone.

Dispatcher: No! Really? Oh-my-God!

Me: Yes! And he’s even leaving six car lengths between himself and the car in front, like they taught in driving school.

Dispatcher: Can you tell if he shows any guilt for driving an SUV in the first place?

Me: I can’t tell but I think you should have a cop pull him over just to check.

Dispatcher: Will do! I’m even dispatching a helicopter to the scene right now!