Seasonal homemade sign on my garage? Yes, I had that ^[1].

Porch light on? Yep, I replaced the bulb just today.

Incredibly awesome mullet wig that strangers are pretty sure is part of a costume but looks real enough that they’re afraid to comment because of the chance that it could be my actual hair?

Oh yes.

A bag of various fun-size candies which I divided into three-candy portions and individually wrapped in saran wrap — this done so I won’t face the problem of equitably giving out candy when sweet just-take-one kids are competing with monstrous grab-all-they-can-get kids? Check.

Trick-or-treaters coming to my door? Nope, not a one. Despite the fact that I’m among 20 rowhouses that would be fat pickings for candy-hungry children, absolutely no one showed up. I sat downstairs all evening, looking like a malnourished Billy Ray Cyrus and feeling like a stood-up prom date, waiting for the doorbell that never rang.