I heard a strange news story this morning that caused me to stop what I was doing and pay attention to the television. Summer Redneck Games are apparently all the rage down in East Dublin, Georgia. What kind of events make up the Sumer Redneck Games I hear you ask? Well, every year, the toughest, reddest, neckiest people from all around the U.S. come out to show who’s boss in events such as: the cigarette flip, bobbing for pigs feet, the big hair contest, the hubcap hurl, the seed spitting context, bug zapper spitball, dumpster diving, the mud pit belly-flop and the grand puba of events, the armpit serenade.

Thanks to the hoards of people who thought the ’96 Olympics would be nothing but a “Redneck show down”, the now infamous Redneck Games may soon be iconized on the big screen.

All this got me to thinking, which given my job, you know is a rarity; what if D.C. had its very own Autumn Politician Games? Wouldn’t it be nice to celebrate all the drones flocking back to D.C. in droves after summering in the Hamptons? We could welcome them back in style and allow tourists to partake in a mind-blowing weekend of fun-filled events, such as: match the politician to the mistress, doing the oogie-boogie in the reflecting pool (wherein racers have to mimic having intercourse across the width of the pool), politician toss (which won’t be expanded upon due to my wanting to keep my lunch down), the whistle-blower race, and [fill in your event of choice here].

So which event would you like added to the schedule?