Archive for April, 2006

funny and cute

The Geek Comedy Tour 3000 is surprising not only for it side splitting comedy, it also has comedians that defy the “geek” profile. Take these three for example. They are funny and cute.

No word if they have a social life though. They probably spend as much time in front of a mirror reciting comedy lines as they do in front of a monitor killing Borgs. The tough life of a comedy geek.

oh it hurts

Calling out Atari Glove at the Geek Comedy Tour 3000, we are laughing so hard it hurts.

Wait, is Ultimate Fighting Championship really Klingon porn?

tentacle porn

This man is the first to ever to use “What I like about tentacle porn is..” in a sentence.

Geek Comedy Tour 3000 is under way and you should be here if only for the Star Wars references.

Meet BVEGAN.

BVEGAN was on Route 28 with me the other day and I couldn’t help but notice her enthusiasm for animal issues. She loves her shelter dog and opposes puppy farms, and kudos to her for it. She’s a vegan and thinks it’s the humane alternative and, well, I don’t share her convictions beyond abstaining from veal, but good for her if she wants to make that kind of choice in her life.

And, as you can see in the picture, BVEGAN is a smoker.

I took the picture for my vanity plate collection because the irony made me smile. No red meat festering in your colon, but those lungs probably look a sight. I also wondered if she’d ever considered the environmental impacts of tobacco farming, which Dr Quandt seems to think is negative, but I’m on the fence about that. Then again, she probably didn’t care about environmental impact given what she did next.

BVEGAN pitched her cigarette butt out the window.

So I figured I’d help her get the attention she deserves as a littering jerk scumbag rather than just someone whose little hypocrisies (and let’s face it – we all have them) gave me a grin. It’s nice that you think you’re concerned about animal welfare, BVEGAN, but in practice you’re not. Cigarette butts are a plastic, slow to degrade and harmful to animals even beyond the birds and turtles that mistake them for food and choke to death. This puts aside the fact that you’re making the world suck a little more for us animals who like to enjoy what unblemished nature we can find. Not that you can find much of it where there’s not a cigarette butt lying around.

Want to further demonstrate your commitment to environmental issues, BVEGAN, aside from bumper stickers imploring me to make the humane choice and give up animal flesh and a $5 vanity plate? Next time you’re finished with a cigarette, take a look towards the center of your car’s dash, or maybe the center console. There’s this neat thing – kinda new, you might not have heard of it – called an ASHTRAY. Stub your butt out there. It conveniently collects them until you empty them out into an approved trash receptacle, minimizing litter and it even has the positive side effect of reducing the chance that you’ll cause a fire with your still lit butt.

If you’re not real fond of this idea because you don’t want ugly trash stinking up your car, well, now you know how the rest of us feel about our lawns, rivers, ponds and sidewalks.

So, we’re not the only ones they’re fucking?

Well, well, well.

Look what the cat dragged in.

Apparently the bribery charges against Duke Cunningham are going a little bit deeper today to include “hospitality suites” at the Westin Grand over on Capitol Hill and the venerable and scandal-ridden Watergate hotel, according to the Wall Street Journal:

In recent weeks, Federal Bureau of Investigation agents have fanned out across Washington, interviewing women from escort services, potential witnesses and others who may have been involved in the arrangement. In an interview, the assistant general manager of the Watergate Hotel confirmed that federal investigators had requested, and been given, records relating to the investigation and rooms in the hotel. But he declined to disclose what the records show.

Of course, the folks over at political blog Daily Kos are all over this like white on rice, simply because it involves Republicans. And the guys over at Wonkette are on the case, simply because it could involve salacious details and politicians. Oddly enough, generally respectable Harper’s Magazine is involved as well.

I’m going to go pop some corn and get out the lawn chair, so I’m looking forward to seeing how this one turns out, but before I do, what the heck are we gonna name this one?

2,500 Wayan’s in America?!

Today I found out that I’m gonna represent 2,500 Americans in the US Census’ Current Population Survey.

Wow! I feel honored with the responsibility of representation, representation I wish I could have in more than just the US Census, like oh, I don’t know, maybe the US Congress!

Politics aside, the Census interview was pretty cool. Quizzed on my employment, income, and oddly, healthcare, I had the interviewer laughing as she hen-peck typed my answers on her laptop.

As we ran through the questions, I peeked over her shoulder and noticed that the US Department of Commerce is being a little cheap with software upgrades. The census taker was using an old-school MS DOS interface to record my answers.

The census taker also had an interesting sticker on her laptop: Sworn for Life to Protect Confidentiality. The US Government doesn’t mess around!

Incredibly Lame Prizes

Metro kicks off it’s Prize Patrol this morning at the Gallery Place Metro station between 8 and 9 this morning as part of their 30th Anniversary Celebration. The Prize Patrol will visit one Metro Station each morning for a whole year selecting Metro Riders at random to recieve special prizes.

You too could be the lucky recipient of a Metro Keychain, Metro Notebook, or the grand poobah of prizes – a Metro Lapel Pin.

Ooooooh. Ahhhhhh.

(Note the use of periods rather than exclamation points, indicating my lack of enthusiasm)

A polite inquiry of whomever the hell is in charge down at Metro Center

Here’s what I wanna know: Who was the rocket scientist who decided to run four-car trains on the blue line at rush hour?

I like the Metro. I really do. But sometimes WMATA can just kiss my ass.

Mr. Clooney Comes To Washington

George Clooney is here in DC today, exercising his right as a citizen to petition his government for redress. Of course, it’s a bit different when you’re a movie star today, and Clooney’s goal today was to convert his star power into, well, actual power. He joined Senators Brownback and Obama to talk about the Darfur region of the Sudan where not only is there actual genocide happening right now, The United Nations isn’t doing a damn thing, nor are any of the other large militarized nations of the world. The last resort, of course, is to get interloping celebrities involved.

Welcome to Washington, George. Perhaps you should give up on the acting and go straight to work on the humanitarian causes, instead of, say, going to bed each night on top of a giant pile of money with dozens of beautiful women.

It’s not that I find your celebrity daunting, or that I’m jealous of your good looks, I just still remember you from Return of the Killer Tomatoes, and I can’t take you seriously any longer than that.

Sorry Brett: No Nats Owner Today

Brett Haber, sports anchor for Channel 9 news, said yesterday that the Nats would find their new owner today. Pretty much everyone and their cousin came out and said that the SportsCenter-anchor-turned-half-decent-radio-morning-show-guy-turned-sports-anchor was full of crap. The business day is done, and the Nats have no new owner, but this did manage to get MLB to tip their hand just a little bit:

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig is likely to pick a new owner for the Washington Nationals within a few days and the team probably will change hands in June, the sport’s No. 2 official said Thursday.

Thanks Washington Post for doing actual journalism.

Haber? Time to shoot your source.

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